no joke he puked ten second after this picture. #baby #fatherhood (Taken with instagram)

when you are a parent:

• it will take twelve hours of being in bed to get six hours of sleep.

• staying up to watch a basketball game at 9:30 pm will feel impossible.

• commercials involving children now make you weep.  you’ll also find commercials with kids funny now and “clever.”

• you just won’t care if you have clean clothes on.  just as long as everything’s covered and nothing is hanging out.

• you will sing like a complete asshole to get your child to stop crying.

• bowel movements will become one of the most important developments of the day.

• waking up at 6:30 am will be sleeping in.

• you will lie in bed worrying about what if your child stops breathing, starts crying, is hungry, isn’t sleepy, and swear you heard them crying only to get up to find a perfectly healthy, sleeping infant.

• no one will care if you are alive.  they won’t even listen when you’re talking if your child is in the room. if your child isn’t in the room, people will interrupt you and ask for recent photos (unless your child is ugly.  i’m not sure what happens if your kid is ugly because my kid is outrageously cute - see below).

• you will get a cold every day.  sometimes you’ll get two colds in one day.

• moms will say that they love seeing “active” dads, but still glare at you when you’re out in public with your baby and silently judge the way you’re holding him.

• it will take you three hours to watch a movie because you’ll rewind it every five minutes because you couldn’t hear it.

• also you’ll just stop watching the movie because you’ve got much better things to do.

• your house will be a disaster.  you might win a skirmish, but you lose the war.  you will feel bad about it, but do little. you will try to open the windows and let the wind carry away the dust bunnies, but it won’t work.  it only makes it worse.

• you will become a bath jedi.

• you will have a blog, but only use it for photos and videos of your child and occasionally, schmucky posts like this.

• your kid will wake up while you’re writing this and you’ll have to post and hope there aren’t typos.

baby photo booth #baby #fatherhood (Taken with instagram)

so my new son, liam, comes home from the hospital tomorrow.  which means tonight, for all intents and purposes is my last night of freedom; doing whatever-i-want-ness and living generally like i have for the last ten years of my life.  all i want to do though is go to bed like a kid on christmas eve so that tomorrow gets here as quickly as possible.  guess i’m ready for fatherhood.