a open letter to the commissioner of the major league soccer league of soccer…

dear mr. garber:

congratulations on your 2011 playoff format.  it’s such an exciting time of year as there are so many teams with losing records fighting to be one of the ten teams that make it in.  some detractors would mention that the league only has 18 teams and what’s the point of playoffs if over 55% of your league make it in, but not me.  i am a huge fan of this americanization of the world’s game and have some additional suggestions to sex up such a boring sport for an american audience to watch during the commercials of x-factor and big bang theory.

1. more divisions!
why have just two divisions?  let’s have nine divisions or pairings and the winners of each division get trophies, rings and an automatic playoff spot as conference champions.  even though all the teams play each other an equal number of times, putting them into arbitrary groups is what americans want. 

2. wildcards!
i know what you’re thinking and i am with you: we will still need wildcards!  the top 4 teams by points that don’t win their division (or pairing) will enter into a 7-game playoff (this will make sure chivas usa has a chance to get into the playoffs).  this plan is still lacking though as it will result in 13 playoff teams (or 11 teams after the wildcards)  which leads me to…

3. wheel o’ playoffs!
if you’re one of the unlucky bottom five teams that don’t win their divisions or get a wildcard spot, you’re automatically entered into the wheel o’ playoffs which is what it sounds like: a giant wheel that spins and the first team that the wheel lands on ten times automatically gets into the playoffs.  this will ensure that canadian teams will always have an outside shot at getting into the playoffs.  the wheel will also make sure that winning games in the regular season is absolutely meaningless which will, naturally, lead to more competitive games and larger home crowds.  season ticket holders want meaningless regular season games - it’s what we pay for.

so there you are, mr. commish.  i hope you’ll add these sexy ideas to your already brilliant plan on dividing a soccer league up into one division of shitty teams (aka the eastern conference) and a division of good teams (western conference), having ten playoff spots with four wildcards.  someday soon maybe we can meet up for lunch and i can tell you about my ideas for rule changes that will attract more nascar fans to the global game.  i’ll give you a hint: let the players use their hands!